Nothing Makes Sense Sometimes

Image Courtesy: Mrittika Maitra

 

Things don’t make sense sometimes. And it is okay! Like, a stalker you’ll find me sipping on coffee, when you’re sipping on it too. While you look outside the window, i look at my phone. We don’t maintain eye contact despite me trying my hardest and you do too. You just chicken out in the end. Your friends and you keep on talking about me. And while I don’t expect it to be positive always, I’m pretty sure it’s not negative as well. Otherwise , you would have scoffed at me already. And while there is an occasional smile but its just after I’ve looked at you after you’ve looked at me. It may not be interest , it might just be some random things I do at office, much like the court jester that everyone sees me as. A quiet jester, who doesn’t like to talk when I’m eating. And that separates me from you and your friends. You have interacted with me. And much like a younger brother of mine would say ” I’m attracted to a voice. I can’t say its exclusively your voice, its your eye brows  as well and your smile and a lot of other things about your personality.

The fact that you’re keeping a distance, the fact that I’m keeping mine is a power-play and clearly you are winning. This game is a magnetic war of emotions pulling us together and pushing us apart at the same time. You are from around here, and I am from every where. My presumption about who you are is based on the limited conversation we have had. And that is what scares me sometimes. What if you are someone I detest. I detest some people, because they enjoy putting others down just to fruit their own reputation around their friends. And as much as I do not want you to be that person, i have seen that personality in more women than I can count, in more men then I can count and that is where I find dissolution and no sense sometimes. And again it is okay! I mean, how can you expect someone to be like someone. How can you expect someone to be exactly like someone you’ve known for a long time. That’s too much to ask for. You have to be extremely stupid to expect things to just fall in place.

And while I’ve tried to put every interest I’ve had, into that kind of a box every time, it just disappoints me. It disappoints me, not because I expected much more from a significant other, but that I keep slaving my mind into thinking that is what the world is about. I am failing to change, and it should be like this until there is someone who just, blows my mind away. Not physical features, not how they look, not how they walk, but just compatibility. I’ve been exhausted giving everything I’ve ha but not feeling it from the person I’m dating. The 4 letter word seems distant and while you seem like a potential candidate, there is a huge difference between what i’m used to feeling in such situations and what I am feeling now.

it won’t make sense. It shouldn’t. It all boils down to compatibility. And that seems to be too distant to even comprehend at the moment. And no, its nothing to do with who you are, its all me. It has always been me. And it shall always be me.

Till then the story of my daily emotional trajectories is – “Eta ki 2441139 , Bela Bose tumi parcho ki shunte. Dosh baro baar wrong number periye tomake peychi. Debona kichutei ar harate/ “Is this 2441139 (landline phone number)? Bela Bose are you able to hear me? Iv’e rung 10 – 12 wrong numbers on the yellow pages to find you. Won’t let you go this time.”

 

 

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