Image Courtesy – Neha Tripathi
There are times in my life when I really try to push myself into believing that I was right. You never wish to be the guy who ends up destroying things. And yet the inevitable happens. You do end up destroying what ever the virgin tree offers you. Everything you wanted. Everything you wish to gain, everything you could have been. Every power in your grasp, that you could have had. But you end up letting it go. I’m used to this. Used to being Ishaan, another name for Shiva, the destroyer. And destroy, I do. Its easy to destroy and forget. This isn’t the first time I took a decision I could not abide by. Yet it definitely is the first time, I am regretting it. Have received threats and much more and all of that does not bother me, but what does, is something more. What 3 months of not smoking could not do to my body, I dd to myself. If there is a single organ that is not tainted with black muck, pitch dark, soul-less synonymous to the fact that I do not have any soul left in me. As if a dementor, came at the stroke of the night and sucked it all out of my chest. And as many would say, this is an attempt to gain sympathy, an attempt to rid oneself of the guilt, It is. and it is not. Whatever it is, whatever it was, It was my choice. It happened for a reason beyond our comprehension. It had to be God’s plan. Because everything in my life is dedicated to plans constructed from above. You can never know the result of your actions but you presume to. My happiness and my emptiness are all associated to what, destiny has planned for me. I take decisions and I TRY to own up to them. It does not happen immediately. There is a strong urge of denial in the beginning, and while it takes time to sulk through, it ends up sulking through. It hits hard and loud and slowly as time passes by you, you let time pass by you until you don’t let anything bring you up . After all the true atonement for one’s sin is when you live through it. And then finally it happens. A childhood of counselling, a graduation full of joy and support, and a graduate school of trials and friendship could not undo the despair and the angst but it surely did prepare me for one thing. Eventually, moving on with life.
There is no need to describe what happened. no need to highlight who it concerns with but, what matters is that there is something to learn out of this whole ordeal. Whatever is therapeutic has to be done so that both sides see light inside them if not in each other. And that is the only way forward.
When in doubt in myself, I have always banked on friends and family. I still remember the first day we met, mate. I was new to New Delhi, and while I found it hard to connect with others, you were an old soul much like me. We sang non stop for at least an hour or more. taking the old town road from Kishore Kumar to Mohammad Rafi. I remember someone sulking about a Navy cadet on my shoulder while I blabbered about my mall incident. Anyways, people do not choose friends. they come and they go, and while I might have relocated, there are only a few people who even remotely reply when you have lost touch for decades. It makes me happy, that you are happy where you are and that is the minimum expectation.
Like you my friend, there are others – only a few. Only a few one can bank upon. There is one in Singapore, the other is in Chandigarh. A few in New Delhi, one in Jaipur and I have never been disappointed because of them. Support. And when all things go haywire, it is people like you in whom I place my trust to tell me the truth about me. Whether it is of an evil device in my mind or a sacred thread that sometimes gets wet, yet sticks to ones own ordeals.
As true as it can be, as true as it has always been with you. As true as the metro train till AIIMS and as true as the choley samosey behind the campus.
For the one in Singapore and the one in Chandigarh, things are intertwined at the divider on the road near the football field near the hospital. That day when we feasted on Hookah and vegetarian treats with our closest mate who left us yet did not leave us fighting a valiant battle against cancer. For the ones in Delhi, complicated as it might be but even though they have their own lives to sort out, they never backed down from sorting my life out. And the Jaipurian entrepreneur took life head on. Either way all of you were more mature, more practical, more emotional, more capable and strong unlike me. And that has made all the difference.
The funny fact about life is that all the good things are the most simple. Where there are no expectations there is love and and where there is love, there is friendship and where there is friendship, there is a soul to lie back on. Or maybe a soul to remind me that i have a soul. It is because of you guys that I truly understand the Shiva in me, the person that destroys things and waits for new beginnings and new beginnings do see fruition.
The Truth is whom we encounter, whom we meet, where we encounter, in what circumstances, it is all God’s plan. Destiny and God’s plan and in my life I’m thankful to be associated with you guys. Really Thankful. And thank you to you guys for always being there.