I’ll Still Miss You…

By now you have understood how emotional I am. I need to type it down because I do not want to disturb you while you are on your pursuits, towards a better career. I know you will do well and you will do your best.

Truth be told, I never imagined I would write again. I was done with fiction, because I had been masquerading behind a fake identity convincing myself everything was true and everything I wrote was the truth. Alas, it was all fake, a fake shield breathing a disgusted fake self-respect into a hollow body when one did not exist. As you know, I am not the best person. I have made mistakes and I have made errors which are blunders creating wounds where they shouldnt have been created. You’re image never gave way. Judging other significant others by how you were. And yet you agreed to talk to me. And yet you agreed to give it a shot.

As I might have said. I did not know if it was the right time to date, but I knew, that if I hadn’t asked you out, I would not have been able to ask you out for another life time. The day you weren’t sure, and said I had no chance, I cried and cried and told myself, I’d accept anyone my parents would have found for me.

Until the day you said I still had a chance, I convinced myself that I would try my best and I would try as hard as possible. So when we met the other day, granted we were drunk, but I was the true me. I tried not be someone I was not. I did not make any promises I couldn’t keep and I did not lie about any inhibitions about your wishes. I was truthful about what wishes I could fulfill of yours.

I did not expect you would be so open with me. As I mentioned, we would not have hugged or leaned on each other had we not known each other or accepted each other at the spiritual level. You wouldn’t have kissed me on the cheeks in the Pub and I wouldn’t have kissed you on your forehead (yes, I did) in the car. You trusted me, and I took the opportunity to tell myself that I wasn’t going to hide away from any responsibilities, no matter if its as small as dropping you back home or as big as spending years with you (if it works out, I wouldn’t ask for anything more)

I am emotional. I cannot stop thinking of you every time I look at my phone wallpaper. I’m not going to remove it. Your smile completes me. It tells me I am good enough or at least can be good enough for someone as pure hearted as you. I cannot even think of breaking your heart. It will never happen. I won’t let it happen.

I know I need to seclude myself from you. Socially distance myself from you for a month atleast. And I will do whats necessary to make sure you succeed in life. I don’t want to take care of us always. I want you to be able to do that as well. Support your family, pay for our dates (if you feel happy in my company) and buy your own car. I just want to be there to support you. If that means, I need to push myself aside, I will do that.

Remember, even if we are apart. Even if you find someone else in this time, Ill still miss you. The day you say its not working out, Ill walk away. Until that distraught and dejected day comes, I will be there for you. Know that I am there whenever you need to talk. I’ve been there spiritually since first year.

I might have said things you are angry about. But I had to be realistic. I’m sorry, but I care about you too much to be able to quantify it. And you must be wondering, why do I feel about you after just one date, well that is what you are in for. If you still think it was not the right decision. You can always tell me. I’ll always respect you. Know that I’d still root for you.

Id focus on my work and studies and try not to think of you for you. You will do the best. I know cutie you will. You will do quite well. Work hard and diligently. Ill stop being the distraction for you till February. Ill miss you during Christmas, New Years and any other day. I have plans for you during Valentines week. Ill take a break from office and we can go out to nice places to eat and trips to see the world together. It does not matter to me, how rich or poor you are, what your family background is. I just want to be part of it all. I will do my best to integrate.

okay. i need to shut up. bye cutie. rock the exam.

Love, Teddy

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