I am at that point in life where my practicality has failed me and my emotions have failed me too. My emotions have been hurting me as I am unable to let go of the person I love. My practicality has failed me because it wants to latch onto anyone who can alleviate the pain.
Because i am in this cognitive dissonance, I truly feel like I do not know who I am. I am represented by a sack of meat which presents itself in a certain way. I am also represented by a mind which attaches, detaches, loves, hates and feels relationships.
But the truth is I am neither one of them and both of them at the same time. As I take a bath in the morning I do not wish to wear any clothes but I have to. It just feels like another fake layer of me hiding my true self. My degrees, knowledge and accomplishments do not define who I am. I am something so fundamental that I have not met it yet. The purpose of my life till now was so linear – school, office, love, marriage, kids, retirement, old age, the end of life.
That belief. That hypothesis. That tower has fallen completely. Our goal in life is to live every moment of it. Be happy with the chaos around us and accept that we cannot have expectations from anyone.
I have failed to reassure someone I love truly that I can change, not for them but for me. I am thankful to them for making me realize the true meaning of love and life. The question sprung up – How can you love someone and be so impatient that you end up hurting them? How can you make something so emotional as love, something as practical as ‘seeing a life with them’. How can you be blind to their emotions, their vulnerabilities, yet practical enough to say, “unless they let go of their past, i wont take them back in”? When you say you have let go of your ego, you are lying, especially when you back it up by saying that the silence between you two is killing you from the inside. The guilt of having caused someone you love the pain and not getting forgiveness from them pains you.
It just tends to show, I have yet not processed the fact that I am not Ishaan Sengupta. I am not a popular guy with personality issues, manipulative and a control freak. I am not the guy who can love someone so much that he can lose his sanity over it.
I am something more fundamental than that. Unless I can shed this persona that I and a billion and more people around me have created, I will not know true love for self, for others and certainly the “person” I am in love with.
When I think of the reasons why I practically loved this person, “beauty, determination, stable, confident, loveable” and strip it all away, emotionally someone who gave me everything i can ever imagine of and more. Someone who loved me truly without filters and scrap that all away too, I still love this person. Without any adjectives and futuristic expectations from them. And while I practically want to move away from this person, it shows me how cruel I can be AGAIN if I went back into a relationship with someone while not being able to let this person go.
Truthfully, unless we are sure about ourselves, sure about the fact that we are masquerading our true selves through false ideas of living and not understanding what life and love is all about, we can never fall in love ever again. Maybe we can, but it will never be the true unconditional love without expectations. While I keep getting people who are interested in me, My higher self, Day in day out. The fact that our mind and our emotions keep driving our faith in the concept of love day in and day out seizes to make any sense anymore.
I have decided to not be Ishaan Sengupta anymore. Just be Ishaan Sengupta from scratch. Someone who did not exist before. A different version possessing none of the old qualities or banes. Just a new. An energy being without filters.