There are days when we can fool ourselves by saying, we would do everything in our might to care for another, for ourselves, for our dog, for nature, for anything or any person we find ourselves attracted and attached to whether physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually or familiarly.
Well, when you look into it, the only reason we love, is because we see some ‘security’ in the other person. As if that person or thing was a bank, where you deposit your emotions, spirit, ties, mind, sexual organs or any other attaching stimulus in the hope that it would give you security. We are looking for permanence where there is none. Even if there is permanence in the form of marriage, ownership, flattery, emotional support or harmony. There is and will always be, fundamentally an expectation of security. Would you care for your family, if they did not care for you in return? The answer is no! Ask the person who is abused by their father or their mother if they find security in their parents or their boyfriend? They would admit it is the latter.
When we fall in love with someone, we are saying, we believe that the person will provide security. When we fall in love with a job, we are saying, that we believe that the job will provide security. When we travel to a far away place and stay there, we believe it will provide us security. But that security is never absolute. It is relative. You find security relative to another security which failed you.
When you fall out of love with someone, you are saying, you no longer find security in the person. I guess that is what has happened to me. I have broken hearts and the person i still feel attached to has broken mine. But why am i attached to this person? The answer is that we still see security in them and the fact is they don’t see that security in us. The day, i do not see any security in this person, is the day I might pull myself back. But I wonder when that day might come?
Frantic family meetings asking me to find someone to get married, only meet my answers in the form of me losing faith in marriage as a concept. Only because at the moment, there is no other person I can find security in. This brings me to questions – if this person ever came back, and I did find security in them, would I be content? Is finding security permanent? The fact that people might find security in me one moment and not find it in the other breaks concepts of the permanence of security and lets it die a horrible death.
What is the point of marriage? What is the point of not being able to satisfy others. What is the point of satisfying myself when i can be unsatisfied with myself in the other? Are we not just juggling material, emotional, sexual, conditional and non-living expectations of ourselves and that of others just so we can temporarily feel satisfied. How can we ever be satisfied when we cannot be satisfied with ourselves permanently.
Bringing in another dimension, If I were to go even more deeper fundamentally, what is I? Am i satisfied with my body? Am I satisfied with my mind? Am I satisfied with my decisions? Am I satisfied with the deepest of my desires? The impermanence of satisfaction is inevitable and yet there is a side of me which says, if its this person, I might just be happy with temporary satisfaction, and yet if it is someone else, I would not be. And it all boils down to security.
When we say, people can handle me and you cannot, It means we do not see security in you and yet see security in others. And yet we pretend to love. yet we love in the guise of finding security.
I am as guilty as you are. When you do not see security in me, I try to latch onto others to find security, only to believe it will be and forever will be temporary.
I am not being pessimistic, but I am being realistic. And if you differ, I am open to what you need to say, but right now this is the only thing that provides an explanation to the internal misery. The misery of not being able to be the security the other person is for you. The misery of not being able to do enough.
Perhaps the fact that at this moment even though that person does not find security in me, even though they do not love me, even though they wont speak to me, and yet I still have love for them partially tells me that the feeling that i have for them has surpassed that of security. It is about the feeling of having a chance at being responsible (the ability to respond) to the person I feel tied to. Am i truly in ‘Love’ with them?
Who knows. Feel free to share your views on this.