It has been a month since I last had a conversation with the person I love. I would not call it a month back, since I have not received a response to what I have sent since the 6th of April. That being said, when I look at it retrospectively, I deserve it. I am guilty and even though I might sound fairly miserable (which I am) but it seems the only way to truly process guilt is to accept that one is guilty and not look for reciprocity, some sort of sympathy, some sort of forgiveness, as we have all been conditioned to respond by. since our childhood.
There are times & I would say in majority of cases, we tend to use the word sorry for our selfish needs without acknowledging the wrong that was done. It seems it is much easier to say sorry than to truly process the fact that “I am guilty, culpable, devious, hurtful, selfish and tyrannical” and despite processing that we truly are these qualities, no separation between the quality and us, but that we are these qualities, we tend to rationalize it, hide from it, seek forgiveness, and when the reciprocity and generosity is met, we tend to forgive ourselves.
Is it not the fact that we find a way to forgive ourselves, when someone else forgives us for a wrong that we have done? That makes you think, Is that the only goal of the human mind, to forgive itself? Forgive what? Forgive ourselves for not being adequate at the moment and before, when we actually did wrong? Or is it just a means for the egotistical us to make sure it is left untouched. The reputation, the farcical ‘good side’ is left unharmed and finally a way to tell ourselves “look how innocent and simple we are for apologizing”.
There have been moments in this one month, where it has been quite uncontrollable, where I have written an email to ‘justify’,’apologize’ and ‘absolve myself’ and just before I sent it, I let it stay in my drafts. The urges to selfishly find absolution, to find forgiveness for ourselves is a deep seated urge. The length to which I can go to let selfishness prevail is not only evident but disgusting. And rather than find sympathy for it, rather than running away from it, rather than seeking forgiveness for it. It is important that we appreciate that what we have done, is us and there is no way to mend the situation we might have caused to now become guilty. And if we truly wanted to mend it, we would rather wait for it to mend itself. Because to force something into reconstruction, mending, is to seek for reciprocity, which is a deeply selfish ordeal.
As I had mentioned, Loving someone is not easy. And when we truly focus on the difference between love and companionship it is very clear that love is not selfish. It does not ask for reciprocity. Imagine how hard it must be to shed all this conditioning which we have gone through, seen through our eyes, witnessed in front of us, heard of it from somewhere, that being in love is to come into a union and compromise. I would have to politely disagree and say, love has nothing to do with coming together, it has all to do with doing and not expecting anything in return. Because to expect something in return is to expect reciprocity and to expect reciprocity is to seek adequacy which is the penultimate recourse of being selfish.
It is important for me to agree that at this very moment, without the variable of time, that I am very selfish. It is not that I want everything for myself, it is that I wish to save ‘myself’ from a bad name, from uncertainty, from insecurity, from inadequacy and deep down inside every man & woman has it.
The fear of losing someone, the willingness to hold on is an enormous power and at times it is hard but necessary for us to just accept – That we have lost them. That I have lost her. And even though it is a hard pill to swallow, if she is happy, loved and breathing, that should someday, and I hope that day comes when I truly can love her and not desire her. Love her from afar, without expectations and reciprocity. Love her even if she finds someone else worthy of her pure and loving soul.