Have there been days for you when you have not been able to sleep well? But something that did not make sense for a lot of days, just hopped itself into your brain as you woke up early in the morning? A thought that adds value to your ‘Why?’ and then contributes to the knowledge behind the years of conditioning and its effects on defining ‘you’ and the way you know, how to deal with problems. A self-centered you. A self that knows it is not adequate, but pretends to be adequate by choosing to not be the ‘you’ that for you, has no value in the world, the environment we live in.
I realized today, that me and my responses to the world have over the years been de-sensitized. While sometimes I would be empathetic to something, someone and rarely, myself, the majority of times, any sort of violence and emotional pain did not find sensitivity and empathy within me because the needs of the self were over and above that of the needs of others. However, a fact that I have been ignoring subconsciously is that the world for a lot of other people was equally vicious, unforgiving and abusive as it was for me, maybe more, certainly more.
For years have I been trying to figure out a way to let go of the demons we carry within and with us. The voice in our head which tells us, “this is not enough”, “you need more” , “this needs to be yours for it to define you”. “This needs to be in your possession, influence, control for it to define you”. And when years of abuse, molestation and disrespect is what you are subject to, the only ‘survival’ strategy for human beings and myself is to build a wall, think of ourselves, think of what we need, because a victim, forever wants to escape victimization by latching onto a prized possession, a person or themselves, which ‘guarantees oneself of the future’, for a sense of security, control and fulfillment to feel, “I finally have control of my life”. Unfortunately, it is ‘a’ control which makes one feel in control but once he/she loses that control, there is nothing left to feel good about.
It took a while, about 2 months to even understand what I had done. How insensitive I was for another’s pain. The pain that burns them from the inside. The pain that destroys a persons capability to love. The immense hurt and agony of injustice and self inadequacy which pushes a person to find ways to love themselves first before being able to love another, knowing well that the other might get hurt if this continues. I had been insensitive to the inability of a person to provide more, which a selfish, self-centered, inadequate, and unfulfilled person cannot understand because for them reciprocity is the bible. And even though he loves her deeply, he is blind enough to see what he has done to her, how he has broken her and destroyed every ounce of trust that flowered like a lotus in the mud between them.
And when two people who are absolutely inadequate, and yet in love, will always find a way to find themselves inadequate and leave the relationship that they have tried to foster in the pretense that the other will bring in the adequacy they have been craving for.
There is guilt and pain, but guilt and pain at various levels. The guilt of not being ready enough, is the most common guilt to carry. The fact of the matter is, that it is much easier to accept who we are than to wait, and pussyfoot into being the ‘I’ we want to be, because that ‘I’ needs to be acted upon and not pondered upon for the change we wish to see within ourselves.
Then there is the guilt of not being sensitive enough. When you envision a life with someone, it comes with compromise. This compromise is called companionship, whereas when two people are together and there is no thought of compromise but just the acceptance of the other’s ability or inability to give, that is called love. In fact, even if one chooses to not love the other, the other does not ask for reciprocity and just loves. That is what love is. But to not expect reciprocation, at least one person has to be adequate and that is what I am working towards.
The question is how does one become adequate? How does one not bank on the other for adequacy? How does one, master the art of living. For days now, I have understood with the help of friends, acquaintances, YouTube videos and certainly the one I love, that love and life, start and end with not being selfish, not being self-centered. When one needs to fulfill their needs of security, companionship, friendship, material pursuits and much more, the want for reciprocity is an immense want, because, their needs are and will always be more than the other’s. But once he or she realizes this, the possibilities are incredible and untapped.
When outside exigencies force you or compel you in a situation where you see no hope, an adequate self accepts it as a part and parcel of life and does not let it hurt his egotistical self, hence pointing out to the ‘adequacy’ that lives within him. He has enough love even for the person who threw him out of a job, the person who had to leave him because of the inability of the self to love anymore, the person who beat him up when he was 14 years old. For him, the want to ‘impress’ someone does not come. For him, the book his lover left him with still fills him with the best moments, the capabilities and the potential love that he had been exposed to and would have been exposed to had both been adequate at the time. Finally a person who is adequate does not just want himself to be adequate but for others to feel the warmth of the love that is surrounding us, in the deepest chained and handcuffed environments within us.