I’ve been spending time in the mountains for 3.5 months now. And the streak might just continue. I remember how stuck I was, trying to figure out things the best I could with COVID-19 holding a guillotine, not only over my head but that of many of my family members. And when I finally had the opportunity to get a fresh perspective, I took it. Now let me be more candid and honest by saying that to some degree, I wanted to hide and run away from just having to think about the emptiness I found myself in since March.
Mental health is a funny thing. It is to some extent very selfish. Expressing one’s sadness is fairly egoistic. The construct we have created in our minds about ourself is always at peril. These past 3.5 months have been instrumental in showing me how small I am in comparison to the world. The tall mountains, the beautiful birds, the vegetation and faith in spirits and deities show us that most of our problems are insignificant.
And yet, one finds emptiness, loneliness and sadness in small aspects of our lives. We try to fill the void with companionship, friendship and Instagram. Trying to create a ‘story’ that finds resonance within us. There are days when I want the touch of a partner, the coherence of a truly harmonious household and the non-existence of the mistakes of our past and while we can run away from the dysfunction in the failure of not being able to bring all the above expectations into fruition, we cannot keep running away. What is required is to face the challenge head on. The challenge of accepting the person we truly are.
How we behave in front of another, especially people we do not know, explains to us deep down inside how ‘exaggerated’ our interpretation of ourselves can be. This ‘ego’, this ‘persona’ exaggerating events slightly is evident of what we are versus what we claim ourselves to be.
It has been 7 months since my breakup and while I have moved on from wanting to find any romantics in another person, I am humble enough to concede that there still remains intense and overwhelming love for the people I found emotional support in. And while this is not a mutual feeling, it is quite evident of the personal growth path I find myself in ever since the both of us could not see eye to eye.
There are two ways, a person can grow. They can either make a conscious choice of understanding the depths of the decisions they make or repent and learn from the improper mistakes one commits. It can be anything between letting ones ego decide whom not to continue a relationship with even though one can claim to be in love with the person only to disappoint the other by confessing that one isn’t actually in love when one cannot look past other’s imperfections or it can be the inability to understand another’s discomfort with physical contact.
It is only recently that I understood that love is also personal growth. We decide to stick with people who can help us grow into something ‘better’. Perhaps the idea of finding emotional support in another brings with it a sort of dependence, unless it is to truly ‘improve’ ourselves. If it is a dependency without the intention to improve, it leads to unnecessary reliance on another which means that one is not confident nor involved in the process of knowing the other and caring for the other.
While this one is a short blog, it brings with it, weight in favour of the arguments concerned. Think about it. Why would you want to be with a person who cannot make you better, improve you. And that is where the disconnect in every failed relationship lies.
There are days when I am perfectly happy in solitude, and then there are days when one wants a challenge in terms of improving oneself yet with another. What do you think readers?