I remember a few months back, I had woken up from my sleep. I felt an intense urge to stay naked. Without clothes. I was so fed up of being something that was not me. I felt as if all my life had been driven by Ego-Identity. A sense of being an actor, playing different roles, trying to fit into roles that presented itself at school, at work, at home, with my partners. Trying to be something I was not. Trying to play the role in the best way possible. We draw all these definitions of the best possible way to act, from movies, books, characters and role models only to later find out that somehow, what I have said, the manner in which I have behaved, the action i just did was not me. This dissonance created regret and of course it used to be far too late before we could unwrite the scripts we had written when all these episodes began.
Over time, puzzled by the question of ‘Who am I?’, I ventured into various schools of thought. And thankfully through ego breaking moments in my life through the past 8 months, I have been able to understand who I truly am, who we all are. We are all sentient beings ignorant of the consciousness that thrives within the body and the mind and we get so involved in ‘Maya’ (what presents itself in front of us through our sensory experience, but is not what it actually seems) that our ignorance of our own true nature is prolonged, staying oblivious to the very nature of us until the last days of our lives.
But knowledge of spirituality is not really enough. Questions like, “If I am a sentient being, destined to return back to Brahman once we have realized our true nature, what is the role of a parent, a child, a grandchild, a sibling, a friend and a partner?” and “What should I then do and be like on a daily basis with people we have relationships with?”
The answer to this question is probably, that we truly need to take up these roles completely in service of Sat-Chit-Ananda or any God we subscribe to, so that we can refer to the ultimate reality. Loving ones mother or father like we are loving God is as important as loving ones friends and partners like they are God. Once we tend to see the sentient being in everyone, we do not necessarily need to be someone, we do not need to have competitive egos. A safe healthy me, the me that acknowledges that these roles have to be played on a daily basis despite us being something else and making the most of the roles by loving the other on the other side is the objective that should be set.
Yes, we will disappoint others along the way, we may be able to understand that the other is a sentient being, but forget that they also have minds split into intellect, memory, identity and consciousness much like us. We can only do as much justice as we can with the relationships we have been destined to sow and cultivate. Perhaps this philosophy will truly aid us to realize Brahman and that Brahman is us and we are all just aspects of it.
That being said, we are all so invested in our past, that our lives are defined by the Maya that we have lived. Our experiences tend to define us and when someone else asks us to trust them it is but natural that we tend to use the memory, indentity and intellect aspects of our mind, ignoring the consciousness that lives withing us but forgotten completely.
Our identities are defined by the past facilitated by memory and protected by the intellect creating the packaged ego that we present ourselves as and make decisions with. Trust very honestly, is beyond these aspects. Trust is more on the consciousness level. I have been able to love people for my trust in them barring the three aspects of our mind used in creating the ego. If my intuition tells me, my ‘Chitta’ tells me to trust you, I will. I will not only have a good time with you but love you like another sentient being despite trying to fit into a role to transact with you.
We win and lose in daily conversations and when we forget about winning and losing, we are no longer living in transactions of long term association, rather in love with each other (does not have to be romantice). We are living truly in the moment without fear.
Finally, while I realize that I have knowledge of these ideas and experiences, I am yet to truly experience them. I fight with Maya on a daily basis. I win and lose multiple times on a daily basis. Only to understand that Maya originates within us and we have the power to have mastery over it.